Thank you Miriam and Paul for helping me realize I've been away from the blog for far to long!

For some reason my anxiety is acting up tonight and I just can’t sleep. This used to happen a lot when I was in High School, and when it happens all I can do is think...and think...and think. It’s like a million different little memories and anxieties all fill into one nonstop thought. It can go on for hours and as much as I tell myself to “stop thinking” I continue to think more and more-curse you anxiety! Somewhere amongst all of this anxiety my blog pops up, which is causing me more anxiety, so I’ve decided to write. 

First, I’d like everyone to know that I’m sorry that I stopped writing for so long! I was really going through a funk...between a break up over a year ago, a move to Denver, and being jobless for months things were really just wearing me down until recently. Let me fill you in on where I’ve been...

After returning back to Colorado in December I was a complete mess. I didn’t want to go to class, and wasn’t motivated what so ever. Plus I needed to grieve over some important things that had happened to me over the last couple of years-I did this with the help of an Astrologist/Psychologist (Head to Toe Astrology in Boulder). I only met with her once, but it was a very life changing experience. A woman who barely knew me at all helped me get to know who I am, why I’m this way and most importantly what to do to get out of the depression I was in. 

She helped me realize that within two years; I met my biological father who turned out to be nothing like I had hoped, my mother had a baby, I was in love and had my heart broken. To me those seemed like everyday situations, but I guess thats just because I’ve experienced a rather large amount of crap in my life. 

I kept dwelling on the fact that my heart was broken, and kept telling myself that that was the reason for me not being able to do the things I wanted to do (school, work, blog etc.), but really what was bothering me, and holding me back was not coming to terms with the fact that the biological father I met, was (pardon my language) nothing more than a sperm donor. 

So here I am, after meeting with her in March, finally writing down my thoughts about my father. I’ve yet to grieve about this, but have really come to terms with the other things...I love my baby brother and I can do much better than my ex :)

My mom has always given me the option to meet my biological father, when I was ten she told me that the man I knew as my Dad was not my actual dad...and at the time I was ok with that. Around 13 the last thing I cared about was meeting the dickhead who wasn’t there to help me through the hardest part of my life, and around 18 I had my Uncle Brian- the closest thing to a father figure to date/the most amazing man I know. 

Then at 21 there I was googling the man who knocked up my mom, he wasn’t hard to find at all (technology these days), so I emailed him. The email went something along the lines of, “heyyy so I’m not sure if you know about me, but I’m your daughter”. He responded so fast and was nothing but nice. Over the next couple of weeks we emailed back and fourth to get to know each other, and I was really feeling positive about the whole situation. He apologized for not being there and seemed as though he wanted to be a part of my life- soooo a month later the man came to visit me in CO to meet. He stayed for a few days and during that time we had a great time. After this we kept in contact and when I was home for my best friends wedding in June 2010 I saw him one last time; In August of 2010 we had a fight over the phone and literally haven’t spoken since. This fathers day I wrote him an email, mind you my email is BAILIESALTZMAN@YAHOO, he responds “thank you BAILEY”. He also said we’d talk the following week...that didn’t happen and that’s about all it took for me to realize I’ve gone so long practically being my own mother and father, do I really need one more bad person in my life? The answer is no! I’m a good person, a great friend, and an absolutely amazing daughter. I’m obviously hurt by the way this turned out, but I think in the back of my mind I always knew it could, and probably would turn out the way it did. 

This post was not directed in any way, shape, or form to hurt my biological father if he is reading this, and if he is I’d like him to know that I’m not opposed to the idea of getting to know him more, and allowing him to be in my life. This post was more so geared to letting everyone know a little more about myself and some of the struggles that I have to go through. I’m sure that this man doesn’t want to hurt me, and now after writing this post I truly don’t think he can. 

I’m currently an extremely happy person. I’m really enjoying living in Denver; I’m no longer jobless, and I’m beginning another semester of school which I’m really looking forward to. I’m not in a rush to finish school, and I’m taking every day as it comes. If anyone has a story similar to mine feel free to share...or share literally anything! It feels really powerful to get stories like this out in the open, and I think it would be very beneficial for a lot my followers. Thanks everyone- I look forward to hearing your feedback and continuing to share my stories with you all! 

Appreciating The Things You Have

“In a way I can relate to this post, and I feel I can relate to many of them although sometimes in a completely different way!

I grew up in a family of 5; Mom Dad Older Brother and Younger brother. Looking back on my life, my family was perfectly imperfect.
Growing up I always had my mom around. She was a stay at home Mom until I was in about 4th grade. She was around for all of my activities (girl scouts, cheerleading, softball, basketball...) including those for my brothers as well. We always had a nice clean house, our beds were always made, food on the table , and we always had clothes.

Despite the necessities, a lot of my friends growing up lived extravagent lifestyles, and often I felt left out.I never understood why I couldn't go the mall and get a brand new wardrobe when school started, and a new backpack every year. I often found myself angry because it took so much from my parents to get the things all my friends had. Sometimes even going to the movies was too much to ask! My friends took really awesome vacations every year. Always somewhere exotic and warm. We took a couple family vacations, but I never got to go with my friends.... and I didn't understand why. Now mind you, we weren't poor by any means. But depsite our money situation I now find my family to have been rich in love.

I didn't realize that the things I had growing up were the most important until my parents became alcoholics when us kids got into highschool. During the years that were supposed to bring me into a new chapter of my life, things at home slowly started to tear apart....”

Anonymous, First off I’m very sorry it has taken me so long to respond to your posting but I really appreciate everything you have shared with all of us. I like that you gave us all a different way of looking at things and that is to really appreciate what you have. It sounds so simple but it’s the truth-although you didn’t get to go shopping every week or go on tropical vacations with your friends you had a family that genuinely cared about each other and that is hard to find. Nobody has a perfect family by any means, but to know that your family was “rich in love” is priceless. I agree with you absolutely that the things you had growing up were the most important, because there are kids out there who don’t have any of those things (parents, a home, love etc.). I’m sorry that things turned out the way they did when you were in high school, but sometimes that’s just the way the cookie crumbles. It’s not fair at all, but at least you still have a family and people who care about you...that is much more important than any materialistic item. 

Did you see any warning signs at the time, or looking back at it, that would have made you think your parents were alcoholics? Sometimes as kids we are really oblivious to the signs, and I know I definitely was with my mom’s situation for a few years. I didn’t really want to admit to myself that my mom was in fact an addict-it was much easier to lie to myself or ignore all of the signs. 

Thank you very much for posting and again I’m so sorry to everyone for my absence with the blog. I’ve been in sort of a funk since getting back to CO from the east coast. Now that my semester has started, and I’m organized I promise you will hear from me more often! Please continue to share your stories and pass the blog on to anyone who you believe will benefit from it. Thanks everyone-and I hope you are all having a great New Year :)

Saying I Hate You...

So, I’m heading to Connecticut for the holidays and I’m extremely excited, but for some reason also nervous. I’ve got tons of memories from when I lived in CT. both good and bad, but for some reason the holidays tend to make me think of bad memories. I’ll be staying at my best-friends house and then making my way to NJ. to see family! One specific memory I think of around this time is the time I told my mom I hated her. I didn’t do it over the holidays, but for some reason that memory has been popping up a lot lately! 

Growing up my mom gave me everything  I could EVER want. We had a pool, a hot tub, all the Beanie Babies you could imagine, Sega Genesis (old school) hooked up to every TV, and my friends always liked coming to my house because I had the cool young mom- with the best clothes to borrow.

When my mom started doing drugs things changed drastically; at the beginning of it all she wanted to keep things the same. She wanted to be able to buy me all of the clothes I could possibly want, and I’m sure she wanted me to go out and do things with my friends, so she would always give me money and try to do things. It got to the point where it was clothes, and then no electricity, or more clothes and then no cable or food in the fridge. One year my mom bought me a thousand dollars worth of gift certificates, plus other things, for Christmas (how Jewish of me) and I was thrilled, obviously because I was spoiled for so long, but that money could have gone to good use. 

My Freshman year of High School all of my friends and their parents were going to Cancun; I wanted to go so badly, so my mom made it happen! I was thrilled to be able to go and hang out with my friends, but at this point in my life I still had no idea about my moms drug use. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t go shopping for new clothes before leaving for Cancun, I felt like I had no summer clothes to bring with me, and on-top of that my relationship with my mom was slowly falling apart. She got me this great vacation which meant she was going to get the heck out of her room, and we were going to have a good time, but she wasn’t going to buy me a whole new wardrobe- and I did not like that. 

I was definitely more pissed at my mom’s absence in my life (not the fact I couldn’t go shopping), but I didn’t know how to express that feeling-any who the night before we were leaving I remember trying to pack and just getting so so angry! We got into a huge blow out fight, and I went to bed sad and angry; the next morning my mom woke me up to catch our flight and I told her I hated her and didn’t even want to go. The look on her face and the way I made her cry is something I probably will never be able to get over. 

I wound up having a really good vacation with my girlfriends, but hardly remember hanging out with my mom. She spent most of the time sleeping in our hotel (just like she did at home); I found out years later my mom went a week without using Heroin.

Like I said I really appreciate everything my mom has done for me-and I still really enjoy when she gets me presents, but sometimes I just feel so selfish (I’m no longer spoiled)! I also really feel like I NEVER want to hurt my moms feelings; this year she got me a beautiful necklace for Christmas (geez I mean Hanukah) and I had a really really hard time telling her that I didn’t love it, and wanted to exchange it for something I can wear everyday. She seemed fine with that and wants me to have something I love! I’m always worried about hurting my mom’s feelings but I need to remember she’s an insanely strong woman. I have a really hard time getting over the fact that my mom has been treated badly by so many people, and I always feel as though I’m tip toeing around things in order to not hurt her feelings more.

For the Holidays I want to apologize to my mom for saying such hurtful things to her-she put me through hell, but she has to live with that every single day. The last thing she needs to think is that she wasn’t a great mom or that she has a daughter who hates her. 

Looking back at it I really admire how hard my mom did try. I’m really thankful for all that I had, but really what I needed during this time was a mom (or even a dad), not brand new materialistic items. 

I can not wait to see my mom and the rest of my family (that includes friends, their parents, and siblings in CT) while I’m home! I hope everyone has an amazing Holiday, and I hope you get to spend it with great people like I get to, because that is much much more important than presents. 

If you have a story similar to mine please share it! If you don’t feel free to share anything that’s on your mind (pertaining to addiction of course). I look forward to hearing from you all soon.

Love,

Bailie

Anonymous

"bailie, i really appreciate all the things you are doing. although ive never had to deal with someone i really loved (other then friends) getting into such a thing as heroin, all the stories brought to mind that its not just the hardcore drugs like heroin. any drug can cause pain and disapointment. I remember my first love. during the time i dated him i had strong morals against anything and everything except drinking. im talking smoking pot, cigarettes, anything. our friends smoked and what not but my boyfriend and i were above it. when we started going through some rough times, it was weed that ultimately ruined our relationship. He started smoking with his friends and hiding it from me. i would smell it on him and it felt like i drank a vat of acid. i could literally feel the pain from my throught all the way to my stomach and everywhere. i wanted to say so many things to him and often i did but again, many times i couldnt even comunicate to him the things i wanted to say bc i felt soooo sick.I just wanted so badly to fix things with him. i would invite him over after school and hed agree and i would get sooo excited. id run home and clean the whole house. think everything through down to what i wanted to be doing when he walked him, and then i would sit there for hours waiting for him to show up. IF he showed up, he was almost always late and always high. smoking weed was more important to him then i was. wed hang out for an hour and when hed leave id cry. id stay up for hours at night waiting for him to call and balling my eyes out. now when i think about it though, im not so sure if i hated him for smoking or if i hated him for doing something without me. and this is how a simple things like pot threw my life off course. i was a smart, athletic girl and i had everything in front of me. yet, he was having fun so i had to have more fun. i began drinking heavily...like HEAVILY!!! just to make him jelous. i began smoking cigarettes (even though so many people i love i have lost to cancer) to throw it in his face that i wasnt as much of a "good girl" as he thought. i dabbled in a few other things, some that i havent been able to kick yet, and all that i never thought i would ever do. i lost all my morals and beliefs thats i was sooo proud of. although my life is not completly out of control...i honestly feel like i would have accomplished way more, and would have been way more proud of myself if that had never happened. i wish drugs never exsisted."

Well Anonymous, I know exactly what that's like! I started smoking pot, drinking, and dabbling with other things when I was younger because of guys or because thats what was "cool"-really it's not. I did cheerleading for a long time and then in High School all I cared about was drinking and getting high too, and I wound up missing out on a lot of fun times with some other friends-best friends that I ditched! It's also really crazy how much boys are involved in that sort of thing; when we really "love" someone we'll do a lot of things to make them "love" us back-those things may not necessarily be the right things or even what we want to do.

Also, I agree with you 100% that it's not just the hard drugs that make us do bad things. I know a lot of people who smoke weed often who have never tried hard drugs, and I know a lot of people that once they tried smoking weed started trying a whole bunch of things. It depends on the person definitely-I don't smoke weed anymore because I don't like the way it makes me feel, but I don't necessarily think people shouldn't smoke, and I do think smoking can ABSOLUTELY lead to other things.

Thank you very much for posting! Maybe you're boyfriend smoking pot wasn't as bad as other stories on the blog, but it still effected you in a very strong way. I'm glad to hear your life is not out of control, and I hope that one day all habits will be kicked so you will be able to enjoy all that life has to offer :)

Emotional Eating

"My dad was an addict and part of his addictive, compulsive personality involved eating foods that were horrible for him and in crazy huge amounts. Watching those unhealthy eating behaviors as a child caused some screwed up eating patterns in my own life."


This was posted anonymously, under my blog post "Pancakes". I think this is a really great post and I admire your courage for posting about your eating patterns. As I shared with you all briefly-I have eating issues. I'll talk about my emotional eating/not eating in greater detail, but to be honest it's something I still struggle with. My issues stem from my mom and also just from within.


I'm sorry your dad's emotional eating issue has resulted in you having messed up eating problems, but I'm extremely happy to know that you have been able to acknowledge where these eating patterns come from- and I hope that you are able to get the help you deserve to live a happy/healthy lifestyle! 

Intimate Relationships, and Addiction

"Bailie,
What you're doing is helping more people- and in bigger ways- than you can even imagine. I've passed the URL on to some important people in my life. I hope they can start to share, too! Everyone has a story, and your blog is so unique in that it gives a forum for people to share, to care, and to be cared about, with the comfort of anonymity. Thank you taking the bold steps to provide us with such a strong support network!

My last relationship lasted two years and was with the sweetest boy I had ever met; unfortunately, beyond being sweet he was also an addict- something I didn't know when we started dating. His drugs of choice were OxyContin and Xanax. I have lots of stories that I can share about this chapter in my life. After reading Anonymous' courageous post about the effect of another parent's drug use on their child, though, all I can think about is how drug use affects family, and one particular story I have about that, from a slightly different point of view.

Last year, I took a semester off of college and moved back home to work and be near my boyfriend. We loved each other very much and would often talk about settling down together after college and starting a family. Our relationship was lovely, aside from his addiction. In fact, his addiction sometimes didn't even seem like a problem because he was so well off financially with a steady supply of drugs that he always had pills and therefore rarely experienced withdrawals. I guess the addiction related depression was the worst- he was depressed with the drugs but would be depressed AND sick without him, so he was literally high 100% of the time. During the semester that I was home, I got pregnant. Since we'd talked about having a family together before, the idea of having the baby and giving it up for adoption- or maybe keeping it- was a real possibility for us. One day, we sat down to make a plan. I asked him, very clearly, if he could be clean for the entire time I would be pregnant. His reply? "I don't know if I can do that." In retrospect, I'm so glad that he was able to be honest with me- and himself! I had to put my self in the shoes of a mother of a child whose father was an addict. I knew that I couldn't do that to a beautiful, innocent baby, so I made an appointment at Planned Parenthood and asked him to come with me, under the condition that he had to be sober on the day. He told me that he didn't know if he could do that, either. He was crying and crying and saying he felt like a horrible person. I remember this so vividly- the memory is burnt forever into my mind. I knew he wanted nothing more than to support me, but couldn't because of his awful addiction. He had been relying on drugs to get him through any tough situation for so many years, that he literally couldn't handle tension without drugs. He was so unable to deal with reality that he booked a plane ticket and got high on a beach in the Caribbean for a whole week, while I endured the most painful, most emotionally devastating event of my life to date.

I'll never forget being in Planned Parenthood alone, pregnant with the baby of an addict who loved a drug more than me, and more than unborn his child. Every day I wonder about my decision. What if one of us becomes infertile? What if one of us was born infertile and that was a fluke- our one chance at having a baby? Anonymous, your post gave me some perspective on my decision. I know that your shoes are the hardest to walk in, and I doubt that I could be as strong as you are in them. I feel confident now that I made the right decision. Thank you so much for sharing!!!"


Anonymous- Thank you very much for passing my blog on to people you think will benefit form it, it makes me extremely happy to hear that I'm helping people. It also makes me very happy to know that there are people trusting me, and opening up to me, with such intense/private stories. Thank you for sharing this story with all of us, and I'm so sorry you had to go through such a traumatic experience without the one person you loved. 


Abortion is an extremely tricky topic, some people are for it and obviously others are not. The way I like to think of it is "to each their own". I say I wouldn't get an abortion, but I really haven't been in that position so I don't know. I also think of it as nothing bad ever comes from a child, but bad things happen when people have children and are not prepared. 


It was extremely mature of you to realize that having a baby was not the right thing for you at that time, and it was very bold of you to put your unborn child before yourself. It would not have been a good idea to have a baby with an addict. If he couldn't be sober to at least go to the Dr's appointment with you-he would not be able to get sober for that baby. 


Again, thank you very much for sharing your story, and I really hope that during this time you had someone to talk to! 

Anonymous

"Bailie,
I wanted to thank you for this very candid blog. I am the stepmother of a wonderful little girl that I love to death! My husband and I have full custody of her now, but when she was young we shared custody with her mother. Her mother was and still is an addict to a number of drugs. We knew what was going on by the stories our three year old would come home with after her stay with Mom. She would come home usually in the same clothes we sent her in three days before, cold, and sniffling. We filed for custody, but it was a very long battle. For three years we had no choice but to send her as we were required to by law. I could not believe that the legal system was allowing this to happen to this precious child. We thought we had won when late one night her mother was pulled over. My stapdaughter was in the car where the police officer found a collection of used needles thrown about, but they fought for her parental rights...so we had to keep sending her to a place we knew she was not safe. This happened for three years. For three years I held her in the night when she had a nightmares of being locked in the closet while Mom had "friends" over or seeing a man hold a gun to her Mom's head. I would just hold her and cry with her. Finally we did get custody...at four years old she was found alone in a hotel room with drugs all over the place. i am glad that we can give her a good home, but I worry so much about her. She still has nightmares from time to time which she no longer realizes are memories not just dreams. It is difficult for her to understand her life situation. She of course loves her Mom and cannot always understand why she cannot see her. She is 10 now and realizes more about what happened but desperately wants to believe that her Mom is better now. if this were the case i would galdly let her see her, but it is not. She has spend the last 10 years in and out of rehab and jail...she is not better. What pains me too is that my daughter has 6 brothers and sister that she has never met who have been adopted by other families. i don't know how I even begin to help her work through such a mess. She is only 10 and has seen more pain than some people ever do. I wanted to thank you for giving me a look at a daughter's perspective."

Anonymous, I'm a nanny and I've been working with kids for a long time. This was extremely hard for me, because I love children- they're so amazing, and I do not know how someone could do such terrible things to something/someone so innocent. I plan on having a big family, and I hope I can be a great mom like you.

After reading this post I was so so pissed, at your daughters biological mother, I couldn't really get any other thoughts together so I needed to think about it for a little while. It's understandable for me, and other people reading this post, to be extremely angry at your beautiful ten year old daughters mom (if you can even call her that)! It's also alright to be sad for your daughter, and for her six other brother's and sister's-are you in contact with any of them?

The truth is the woman has a severe problem, and she is missing out on seven extraordinary lives. You are such a courageous person, and I admire everything you have done for your little girl. I'm sure it wasn't easy, but because of you she now has an amazing mother. You are so lucky to have someone so amazing in your life, and she is truly blessed to have you. I'm sure times are hard, but I'm so thankful that there are people out there who are as strong as you-and really want to help.

My Aunt and Uncle adopted me when I was 16, and it was really hard because I was so old! I grew up with my mom, and felt as though I was already grown up when I moved in with them (because of all of the things I had witnessed with my mom). At times I was so angry with them, but they were helping me tremendously. I've realized that I was just angry with my mom, and couldn't actually acknowledge all of the amazing things my family was doing for me, until after I moved out. My Aunt is now like a mother to me, I love my mom and my aunt so much-and could not possibly be where I am today without the help of both of them.

I'm sure there are going to be times where your daughter misses her mom, but because of you she is going to have a great life. I hope the best for her biological mom-but I'm really having a hard time empathizing with her and her actions. She is missing out on seven amazing lives, and she's really going to regret that unless she changes.

Thank you so much for sharing your story with all of us, people like you and your daughter are the reason for my blog. I hope that you will be able to share more stories with all of us, and I hope that talking about your situation makes it a little less difficult.

Anonymous

"I remember all the months and months of not hearing back from my sister, no calls returned and wondering what was going on with her. We tried to connect with her and her family whom we had not seen for over a year and thought it was so strange that when we had been so close in the past, she now just made no room for us in her life. 

Just when we would write her off, she would call, out of the blue, crying about how depressed she was and all the beefs we had had with her would be pushed aside to listen to her sob stories. We would forgive her for being so out of touch, for not making the time for important family events and get togethers and make a plan to get together but it would never come to fruition. The whole cycle would repeat itself. One of use would suspect drug use but the other would say no, it couldn't be.

The frustration and anger beat us down but there was always the motivation to stay connected because of her family. There were kids involved, cousins, and we needed to continue making the effort for their sake. Where were they? What was going on? We had no idea how bad it actually was."


This is the EXACT sort of post that I am looking for. Thank you anonymous for sharing this with all of us, this story shows how an addicts behaviors effect everyone in their lives- you don't need to live with an addict to have to suffer from their actions. This must have been an extremely hard time for you! I'm sure you were in denial and didn't want to even think that your sister was using (drugs or alcohol), or maybe she was the type of person you thought never would use, and at the same time it sounds like you had your own things going on.


I think it's very important to have a strong family, and that is really really hard if you are constantly being betrayed! There are so many different emotions that go along with addiction- so it's ok that you were angry with her when she wouldn't call, or when you wanted to write her off. Feelings like that are very natural, and at the same time it is very hard to help a person who doesn't want the help. 


I hope the best for your family, and I really think talking about it will help you, and maybe even bring your family closer. Thank you again for sharing with all of us. 


On another note, I presented my blog to my Cultural Anthropology class yesterday and had amazing results (I brought one person to tears, which intern brought me to tears). I've also been receiving a lot of Facebook messages- I would like everyone to know I really appreciate everything you are doing for me. The blog has had a lot of success, and it has only been one month- I'm extremely excited for its future! 


Friend requesting me on Facebook, and sending me messages is 100% alright with me, but what I really need for the blog to continue on such an amazing path is for you all to share your stories, under the "Comments" section on my post. After I will post 5-10 Stories so that other people can comment on those, and then I will share another personal experience (just like "Pancakes" and "The Day I Finally Stopped Lying to Myself").


Feel free to write me personally with questions, or comments, or stories-but if you send me a message be prepared for me to ask you to put it on the blog :)

Pancakes

For those of you who do not know me- I absolutely love food! Growing up my mom would cook for me all of the time. I feel like throughout my whole childhood she was cooking for me, and also for my friends. She was always very talented, and generally didn't make anything that I didn't like (except this mustard chicken when I was ten...eww). She would always buy new cooking gadgets- we used her rotisserie for a month straight, and she would constantly say "Bailie it's great, all you have to do is set it and forget it", she loved this thing! Her specialty, or maybe just my favorites were Captain Crunch chicken, pancakes, and smoothies.  

When she started using drugs she cooked less and less, and her food just wasn't really good. She would put things together for me to cook when she had work, we didn't eat together much, and I got a lot of takeout. I didn't really mind it, but I missed homemade food.

This one morning (when I was 15) my mom decided to make pancakes, and I was so excited! I was going to help her, and we were going to eat together. She started making batter, and then needed to take a "bathroom" break. She went into the bathroom for probably 30 minutes, and came back completely messed up. She continued to cook, and I tried not to get mad at her but it was insanely hard-once again I was disappointed.

Within minutes our kitchen looked like a war zone. There was batter EVERYWHERE, pots and pans turned upside down, the sink filled with gross water-it was awful. All I could think of was the "This is your brain on drugs" commercials that I saw growing up. I have no idea what I said to my mom while she was passing out mid burning pancakes, and destroying our kitchen, but it must have been awful. She started to cry and went into her room for hours- I remember one other time that she cooked for me after this, and I remember a 100 million times that I made her cry.

In my eyes my mom is still a great cook, but it is crazy to still have such a vivid memory imprinted in my mind. All I wanted was to be able to cook a nice meal with the person I love, but she couldn't wait 30 freaking minutes to use her drugs!? She had to have them mid hanging out with me, and that hurt very badly.

While my mom was using drugs food became my comfort; I would practically eat all of my sorrows away because I was really depressed, and this happens to be something I still really struggle with. Sometimes I eat a ton, and other times I don't eat enough at all. I will talk about my eating problems, and body image issues more as I get to know you all. Within the last 4-6 years I've learned what's healthy and not healthy, and I wound up, eventually, learning how to cook (Thank you Alma, Mrs. Egdahl, and my Mom)- and I happen to be really good at it!

Well, if anyone has a memory having to do with being extremely disappointed by an addict please feel free to share. Being disappointed by someone you love really sucks, but sadly I would assume we are all guilty of it! Take care, and I hope everyone has an amazing weekend!

Here is a link to the "This is your brain on drugs" commercial I was talking about; I didn't really think it is an affective commercial until just looking at it, but I can relate to it and others may not:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iE7ukc7MV-k

Anonymous

"My sister was/is my best friend and I thought at the time that I knew everything about her life. What I didn't know was that she was ditching school everyday to get high, that when she was sneaking out of our bedroom at night that she wasn't just going to see her boyfriend, but was going to do coke with friends. My parents knew we were close and that she confided in me, and I covered for her for far too long. Every time she snuck out she would wake me up and let me know where she was going. Sometimes she would get caught and our parents would wake me in the middle of the night asking where she was, and as her sister and best friend I would lie and say I didn't know. It got to the point that everyday upon being dropped at school, I would go inside and she would pretend to walk in with me, then the second my dad would pull away from the curb, she would turn around and walk down the block to an older friend’s house. She began to loose weight, and rarely ate with the rest of us. She admitted to me one day that she wasn't hungry because she was high. Sometimes it was coke, sometimes ecstasy or pills (oxycotton, xanax, etc...). Things with her and our parents progressively got worse and worse, screaming matches about grades and curfews, and a whole assortment of things. Finally one morning I had to be at school earlier than my sister and left the house before anyone was awake. About midday I got called to the school office to take a phone call. It was my sister calling from the airport to tell me she was being sent away to a wilderness rehab camp, she would be hiking all day, 7 days a week for the next 6 weeks with no communication with the world. I was unbelievably angry that my parents would do this, but I was young and didn’t understand the severity of her situation. After 6 weeks of wilderness school I thought I was getting her back, only to find out that she would not be returning, but finishing her sophomore year of high school, as well as her junior year, at a boarding school in Utah, aka a rehab facility. We were not allowed much communication with her at first, but were eventually allowed to visit about 6 months into her therapy. She had changed so drastically I did not even recognize her. She was surprisingly happy and content with her situation and had no desire to return home to all of the people that had started her interest in drugs. She stayed in Utah for the next year and returned back home for her senior year of high school. I had never seen her more motivated, nor so serious about going to college. She had a lot of school to make up for all of the classes she had failed and worked harder than anyone I have ever known so she could get into her dream school, UC Berkeley. Come the following year not only was she starting at UC Berkeley, but was admitted to the honors political science program there. I know that rehab does not work for everyone, and that sometimes it isn’t even an option, but I cannot imagine what my family would be like if my sister had stayed on the path she was on."


Thank you Anonymous for sharing your story with all of us. I'm happy to hear your sister is doing well now, and going to UC Berkeley! It must have been very hard having to lie to your family for your sister, and it must have been extremely hard/scary to watch your sister doing all of these things at such a young age. It's amazing that your family saw the warning signs, and were able to help your sister before everything got completely out of control. I hope you, and your family are doing well. Please keep posting, and maybe share the blog with your family if you think they will benefit from it. Thank you again, and stay strong!