For some reason my anxiety is acting up tonight and I just can’t sleep. This used to happen a lot when I was in High School, and when it happens all I can do is think...and think...and think. It’s like a million different little memories and anxieties all fill into one nonstop thought. It can go on for hours and as much as I tell myself to “stop thinking” I continue to think more and more-curse you anxiety! Somewhere amongst all of this anxiety my blog pops up, which is causing me more anxiety, so I’ve decided to write.
First, I’d like everyone to know that I’m sorry that I stopped writing for so long! I was really going through a funk...between a break up over a year ago, a move to Denver, and being jobless for months things were really just wearing me down until recently. Let me fill you in on where I’ve been...
After returning back to Colorado in December I was a complete mess. I didn’t want to go to class, and wasn’t motivated what so ever. Plus I needed to grieve over some important things that had happened to me over the last couple of years-I did this with the help of an Astrologist/Psychologist (Head to Toe Astrology in Boulder). I only met with her once, but it was a very life changing experience. A woman who barely knew me at all helped me get to know who I am, why I’m this way and most importantly what to do to get out of the depression I was in.
She helped me realize that within two years; I met my biological father who turned out to be nothing like I had hoped, my mother had a baby, I was in love and had my heart broken. To me those seemed like everyday situations, but I guess thats just because I’ve experienced a rather large amount of crap in my life.
I kept dwelling on the fact that my heart was broken, and kept telling myself that that was the reason for me not being able to do the things I wanted to do (school, work, blog etc.), but really what was bothering me, and holding me back was not coming to terms with the fact that the biological father I met, was (pardon my language) nothing more than a sperm donor.
So here I am, after meeting with her in March, finally writing down my thoughts about my father. I’ve yet to grieve about this, but have really come to terms with the other things...I love my baby brother and I can do much better than my ex :)
My mom has always given me the option to meet my biological father, when I was ten she told me that the man I knew as my Dad was not my actual dad...and at the time I was ok with that. Around 13 the last thing I cared about was meeting the dickhead who wasn’t there to help me through the hardest part of my life, and around 18 I had my Uncle Brian- the closest thing to a father figure to date/the most amazing man I know.
Then at 21 there I was googling the man who knocked up my mom, he wasn’t hard to find at all (technology these days), so I emailed him. The email went something along the lines of, “heyyy so I’m not sure if you know about me, but I’m your daughter”. He responded so fast and was nothing but nice. Over the next couple of weeks we emailed back and fourth to get to know each other, and I was really feeling positive about the whole situation. He apologized for not being there and seemed as though he wanted to be a part of my life- soooo a month later the man came to visit me in CO to meet. He stayed for a few days and during that time we had a great time. After this we kept in contact and when I was home for my best friends wedding in June 2010 I saw him one last time; In August of 2010 we had a fight over the phone and literally haven’t spoken since. This fathers day I wrote him an email, mind you my email is BAILIESALTZMAN@YAHOO, he responds “thank you BAILEY”. He also said we’d talk the following week...that didn’t happen and that’s about all it took for me to realize I’ve gone so long practically being my own mother and father, do I really need one more bad person in my life? The answer is no! I’m a good person, a great friend, and an absolutely amazing daughter. I’m obviously hurt by the way this turned out, but I think in the back of my mind I always knew it could, and probably would turn out the way it did.
This post was not directed in any way, shape, or form to hurt my biological father if he is reading this, and if he is I’d like him to know that I’m not opposed to the idea of getting to know him more, and allowing him to be in my life. This post was more so geared to letting everyone know a little more about myself and some of the struggles that I have to go through. I’m sure that this man doesn’t want to hurt me, and now after writing this post I truly don’t think he can.
I’m currently an extremely happy person. I’m really enjoying living in Denver; I’m no longer jobless, and I’m beginning another semester of school which I’m really looking forward to. I’m not in a rush to finish school, and I’m taking every day as it comes. If anyone has a story similar to mine feel free to share...or share literally anything! It feels really powerful to get stories like this out in the open, and I think it would be very beneficial for a lot my followers. Thanks everyone- I look forward to hearing your feedback and continuing to share my stories with you all!
