Pancakes

For those of you who do not know me- I absolutely love food! Growing up my mom would cook for me all of the time. I feel like throughout my whole childhood she was cooking for me, and also for my friends. She was always very talented, and generally didn't make anything that I didn't like (except this mustard chicken when I was ten...eww). She would always buy new cooking gadgets- we used her rotisserie for a month straight, and she would constantly say "Bailie it's great, all you have to do is set it and forget it", she loved this thing! Her specialty, or maybe just my favorites were Captain Crunch chicken, pancakes, and smoothies.  

When she started using drugs she cooked less and less, and her food just wasn't really good. She would put things together for me to cook when she had work, we didn't eat together much, and I got a lot of takeout. I didn't really mind it, but I missed homemade food.

This one morning (when I was 15) my mom decided to make pancakes, and I was so excited! I was going to help her, and we were going to eat together. She started making batter, and then needed to take a "bathroom" break. She went into the bathroom for probably 30 minutes, and came back completely messed up. She continued to cook, and I tried not to get mad at her but it was insanely hard-once again I was disappointed.

Within minutes our kitchen looked like a war zone. There was batter EVERYWHERE, pots and pans turned upside down, the sink filled with gross water-it was awful. All I could think of was the "This is your brain on drugs" commercials that I saw growing up. I have no idea what I said to my mom while she was passing out mid burning pancakes, and destroying our kitchen, but it must have been awful. She started to cry and went into her room for hours- I remember one other time that she cooked for me after this, and I remember a 100 million times that I made her cry.

In my eyes my mom is still a great cook, but it is crazy to still have such a vivid memory imprinted in my mind. All I wanted was to be able to cook a nice meal with the person I love, but she couldn't wait 30 freaking minutes to use her drugs!? She had to have them mid hanging out with me, and that hurt very badly.

While my mom was using drugs food became my comfort; I would practically eat all of my sorrows away because I was really depressed, and this happens to be something I still really struggle with. Sometimes I eat a ton, and other times I don't eat enough at all. I will talk about my eating problems, and body image issues more as I get to know you all. Within the last 4-6 years I've learned what's healthy and not healthy, and I wound up, eventually, learning how to cook (Thank you Alma, Mrs. Egdahl, and my Mom)- and I happen to be really good at it!

Well, if anyone has a memory having to do with being extremely disappointed by an addict please feel free to share. Being disappointed by someone you love really sucks, but sadly I would assume we are all guilty of it! Take care, and I hope everyone has an amazing weekend!

Here is a link to the "This is your brain on drugs" commercial I was talking about; I didn't really think it is an affective commercial until just looking at it, but I can relate to it and others may not:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iE7ukc7MV-k

Anonymous

"My sister was/is my best friend and I thought at the time that I knew everything about her life. What I didn't know was that she was ditching school everyday to get high, that when she was sneaking out of our bedroom at night that she wasn't just going to see her boyfriend, but was going to do coke with friends. My parents knew we were close and that she confided in me, and I covered for her for far too long. Every time she snuck out she would wake me up and let me know where she was going. Sometimes she would get caught and our parents would wake me in the middle of the night asking where she was, and as her sister and best friend I would lie and say I didn't know. It got to the point that everyday upon being dropped at school, I would go inside and she would pretend to walk in with me, then the second my dad would pull away from the curb, she would turn around and walk down the block to an older friend’s house. She began to loose weight, and rarely ate with the rest of us. She admitted to me one day that she wasn't hungry because she was high. Sometimes it was coke, sometimes ecstasy or pills (oxycotton, xanax, etc...). Things with her and our parents progressively got worse and worse, screaming matches about grades and curfews, and a whole assortment of things. Finally one morning I had to be at school earlier than my sister and left the house before anyone was awake. About midday I got called to the school office to take a phone call. It was my sister calling from the airport to tell me she was being sent away to a wilderness rehab camp, she would be hiking all day, 7 days a week for the next 6 weeks with no communication with the world. I was unbelievably angry that my parents would do this, but I was young and didn’t understand the severity of her situation. After 6 weeks of wilderness school I thought I was getting her back, only to find out that she would not be returning, but finishing her sophomore year of high school, as well as her junior year, at a boarding school in Utah, aka a rehab facility. We were not allowed much communication with her at first, but were eventually allowed to visit about 6 months into her therapy. She had changed so drastically I did not even recognize her. She was surprisingly happy and content with her situation and had no desire to return home to all of the people that had started her interest in drugs. She stayed in Utah for the next year and returned back home for her senior year of high school. I had never seen her more motivated, nor so serious about going to college. She had a lot of school to make up for all of the classes she had failed and worked harder than anyone I have ever known so she could get into her dream school, UC Berkeley. Come the following year not only was she starting at UC Berkeley, but was admitted to the honors political science program there. I know that rehab does not work for everyone, and that sometimes it isn’t even an option, but I cannot imagine what my family would be like if my sister had stayed on the path she was on."


Thank you Anonymous for sharing your story with all of us. I'm happy to hear your sister is doing well now, and going to UC Berkeley! It must have been very hard having to lie to your family for your sister, and it must have been extremely hard/scary to watch your sister doing all of these things at such a young age. It's amazing that your family saw the warning signs, and were able to help your sister before everything got completely out of control. I hope you, and your family are doing well. Please keep posting, and maybe share the blog with your family if you think they will benefit from it. Thank you again, and stay strong!

Anna

"Bailie, I saw the link to your blog from a friend's Facebook page. I have never met you and probably never will but I have tears in my eyes as I read every post on this page. I was married to an addict for 5 years. Finally I could not take lying to our kids to make sure they didn't know what was going on, I could not take lying to myself that I, Myself, could make this person stop using. We ended up divorcing after 7 years of dating and 5 years of marriage. We had 2 very small boys that were the world to me and they were what mattered, not me and not my husband. It has been 6 years since my husband and I divorced. I had to realize that there was nothing I could to do make him stop using. No matter how many times I asked if his drugs were more important than his wonderful children, how many times I asked him to stop, it wouldn't work. This was a decision that he had to make on his own. He would not/could not change because it was something I wanted him to do. He had to want it for himself. I can happily report that he finally came to his 'senses' and has been clean for 2 almost 3 years and we are trying to work on being a family again. It has been and always will be something that we will always battle as a family. Everyday I am thankful for what we have together. I can only imagine having to deal with such a serious issue when you were so young. I look forward to hearing more of your story and pray that your mother realizes what a special angel she has in you!"

Anna, I honestly hope that one day we will be able to meet! You seem like such a strong woman for many reasons, but one that stood out to me was knowing and understanding that your husband could only change when he was ready. I'm sure it was awful watching him hurt himself and ruin your marriage, but really you had no other choice. I'm sure he loved you and your beautiful boys, but unfortunately people on drugs care about one thing more than their family and friends-and that is the drug. While my mom was on drugs I tried everything to get her to stop, but unfortunately I could not do that, and it sucked because all I wanted to do was help the one person who had helped me so many times!

Good for you for removing yourself and your kids from the situation; I will assume it was not easy, but seems like it was worth it. I'm extremely happy to hear that your story has a happy ending! Thank you for reading, and please keep posting, good luck with everything!

There is a show called Under the Influence: Kids of Alcoholics on Nickelodeon; it premieres Sunday, November 14, 2010 at 9pm ET/PT. I will be recording it, and would like to ask whoever will benefit, or is just interested, to check it out!

Thank you all, once again, for being so optimistic and supportive :)

Miss you Katie!

"baybay, writing this takes so much courage and strength! and its amazing. as im sure you know i myself was a heroin addict. after i lost justin, i lost myself. i hurt all the people that loved me. and i never knew how that affected them, reading this is helping me understand that. im sure that writing this is helping with your healing, but its also helping mine. i have been clean now for 2 1/2 years but it is something i have to deal with everyday. when i had my daughter there were certain medications that i could not take because i was afraid that i would relapse. addiction is a very hard battle to overcome, thank you for sharing this amazing story. i cant wait to read more! your such a strong and amazing women. you have so much strength a courage! im so proud of you, thank you for doing this...i dont think you know just how many people you will help :) love you girl! xxoo"

This was a post from my friend Katie (I think she prefers Kate now) who I have known since we were about 7! She was one of my first friends when I moved to a new town in CT. We were on the same cheerleading squad for years-but when we began High School we started doing our own thing. We saw each other occasionally but for the most part we lost contact.

After seeing this post I started talking to Katie on Facebook; I had no idea that she was using heroin before moving to Florida, and I wanted to know a little more about her situation. She told me that after her High School boyfriend passed away (also one of my good friends) she started using a concoction of pills, and shortly after started using heroin, because a "friend" had introduced it to her. Her family had an intervention with her and within 12hrs she was on her way to rehab in Florida. After getting out of rehab Katie relapsed once, and her parents stopped talking to her. She has now been clean for 2 1/2 years, and is starting to rebuild the relationships with her family.

Katie seems so happy and optimistic about her future. She has a little beautiful baby girl, and a great boyfriend in Florida. We've made plans to see each other around Christmas time in CT. I'm really looking forward to catching up with her :)

Katie I love you! I'm so proud of you, and I thank you for sharing your experience with me. Every day is a struggle, and if you ever need anything I will always be here for you.

Thank You Anonymous

Bailie thank you so much for making it easier to talk about our experiences. Here is one of my stories:

"When I was 16 I was dating a drug addict. Like you I was in denial and just thought that he liked to smoke pot sometimes and experiment with drugs a little bit. I didn't realize it was addiction. One major clue should have been the people he surrounded himself with. This particular experience is about the time I watched his best friend overdose on cocaine. 

I had just brought some lunch over to my boyfriend (he didn't have a job and lived in a friend's basement). A few of his friends were in the room adjoining the one we were in. He and I were sitting on the couch talking and eating when a girl in the other room started screaming that *** was overdosing. We ran in to find my boyfriend's best friend convulsing on the bed, white saliva spilling out of his mouth. We also noticed that he was biting down on his tongue over and over again. My boyfriend tried to put something in his mouth to make him stop but it didn't work. To my astonishment almost everyone else in the room left because they were too scared of getting caught, and no one who stayed mentioned anything about calling 911. I started screaming that we had to get him to a hospital because he was only getting worse and finally I convinced them, but they also convinced me to drive him to the ambulance station in my car. We got *** in the car and after about 5 minutes he stopped convulsing and had no recollection of what just happened. Then he started to freak out, telling us that he was fine and demanding that we let him out of the car. He even started to cry because he was so scared that he would get arrested. Meanwhile he was saying all of his with a lisp and blood coming out of his mouth from biting his tongue so hard. We wouldn't let him convince us though he did try to jump out of my car at every stop sign. We waited in the hospital for hours for him to get out and drove him home when he did. He had bitten a hole straight through his tongue. Through his lisp and to my insistence he promised he would never do it again. The promise, of course, was never kept. He called me a week later asking if I would drive him to a pick up. I said no. I've seen his name in the paper from time to time, getting caught with heroin, going to jail. 

I went to therapy for weeks after this, it was incredibly traumatizing. It's hard to be on the other side, watching someone hurt themselves and being helpless to stop it."


-Thank you Anonymous for being so brave, and sharing your story with all of us. I'm sure it was not easy, but it was very courageous and I really think it will show people how much drugs can really change a person. You were so you young, and you saw something no one should ever have to see. 


Isn't it crazy how we call these people our friends, would you still consider the people from this night to be your friends now? Friends are people that are there for you through thick and thin--not people you have to convince to bring to the hospital when they're overdosing! I'm very proud of you for knowing that this guy needed help; luckily you weren't messed up on drugs, and were able to know how to react under pressure. Also I really don't think you were "helpless" if it weren't for you his other "friends" probably would not have helped him at all!


I'm also extremely happy/proud that you went to therapy after this! Seeking out help is always hard, but I'm sure that it was helpful for you (or at least I hope that it was). I'm a HUGE advocate of therapy, but I also think you need to be in the right mindset to really appreciate the help that is available to you. 


I'm sorry to hear that this person has now been in and out of jail. Hopefully he gets well someday, and hopefully he does have someone to help him with his recovery process...when he is ready. Once again thank you Anonymous, this is exactly the kind of story I was hoping people would be able to share with all of us! 

My Amazing Friend Chris

This is a continued comment from my amazing friend Chris who means the world to me. Chris is a father to be, and I know he will be such a great daddy! Hicks things happen in life that we don't like (or want to happen), and I really truly believe it will be healthy for you to get all of these bad memories out. I know a few of your stories, but really honestly look forward to hearing more. You are such a strong person, and you have always been there for me. I'm so fortunate to have you in my life, and I'm so happy that you are posting. Thank you so much for sharing such an intense time in your life with all of us!

"I remember getting the phone calls from him and hearing my mother cry all the time. She would pretend to be strong for us, but every now and then I would catch her crying in her room or breaking down at odd times of the day. My mother loved my father and always gave him another chance, she loved him with all of her heart and stayed faithful to him. I saved alot of the letters he would right to me, and still remember the little cartoons drawn on the front of the envelopes, like Chip & Dale The Rescue Ranger or Mickey Mouse. Eventually he got out of jail and him and my mother were doing good until his friends started coming around to see him and slowly but surely he would get back into robbing houses and stores trying to feed his addiction. My mother would scream and he would yell back, (but he would never hit her, he loved her), as me and my sister would run into eachothers bedrooms and just cry and hug eachother and wish that it would all just go away. He went back to jail and we would start getting the phone calls again, but these days were different. My mother would tell him if he really loved us he would stop doing this shit and be a real man. She would tell us "your father is an asshole" and then she would calm down. We started going to visit him at different jails around the state and grew used to this life style. I would always tell her I didn't want to visit him anymore because I thought he didn't love me or else he would be home. But deep down inside I knew he did and it tore me apart growing up. I wanted to be the great Chris Hicks Sr that everybody loved and admired yet I didn't want to be anything like him at all. All the choices I made in elementry school like my first kiss, standing up to bullies and who my friends were all started with the thought, what would my father do. I always felt so alone, and singled out, no father at my school programs, no fathersday, no body to teach me how to be a man. I was lost and confused and just wanted him there to show me how to play catch and go camping and just shoot the shit. I remember he finally got out again, and again, and again and my mom would take him back and then she would kick him out. He dropped off a hundred dollar bill to me one time and I told my mother "look what dad gave me and she grabbed it and ripped it up and told me that I didn't want his drug money. Again I was left with nothing. He would rob store with my uncles and houses all around the area and bring home candy and money for the family but my mother wanted nothing to do with it. The money he got supported his habbit, the want grabbed ahold of him and it would never let him go. I have so much more to share with you Bailie and this is less then ten percent of my life with drugs. So keep me posted and I will share with you every week a new and different story. It feels good that someone actually wants to hear about my problems but it brings up alot of supressed memories that I would just like to forgive and forget, ya know. I love you and good luck with your new life over there in CO girlie.
Sincerely one of your best friends,
Christopher D. Hicks Jr"


I will post four more stories from other people just like Chris, and then I will share another one of my personal experiences. Thank you all for your support!

The Day I finally Stopped Lying to Myself

I am a 22-year-old student at Front Range Community College; I am planning on transferring to Metro. State College, in Denver, for Social Work.

I've decided to do this blog, not only as an assignment, but because I'm extremely interested in addiction, addiction recovery, and what family and friends of addicts have to deal with.

My mom started using heroin when I was 13 years old. My life changed drastically, and I have extremely awful memories from when my mom was using. I plan on sharing my most personal stories; things I have never shared with friends, family, or therapists. I hope that friends and family members of addicts will join me in doing this.

Sharing my stories with all of you will be a way to heal myself, but also a very nice way of HOPEFULLY helping the youth stay away from drugs.

I have done my fair share of drugs, and rebelling. I do not think addicts are bad people, but I do think that there are addicts out there that have done horrible things. I think that there are children and teens that have to deal with addicts every single day, and I do not necessarily believe teens have enough people to go to.

I hope that my blog will help people who are in a bad place in their life. I hope that people will share their personal experiences and benefit from what I say, and comments from what others say.

I would like everyone to know my mom is clean now, and we are working on rebuilding our relationship. I love her very much, she is my best friend, but there are some things that I may not ever be able to forget...but I have been able to move on. With amazing family, friends and therapists I have managed to dig myself out of the dirt and become a very strong woman.

No one is perfect, people make mistakes, AND HERE is where I will post my first story…I was extremely in denial of my moms using. For years I saw drug paraphernalia, but could not believe that mom was using drugs. So from age 13-15 I lied to myself. When I saw needles, and blood and little baggies all over the house I lied to myself. When I witnessed someone overdose, at the age of 14, in my Mothers arms I called the cops, and lied to myself.

It was not until I was 15 that I realized I was completely nuts! My mom told me she would hurt herself by taking blood out of her body with needles, and then put it back in. That was the reason for the blood in the bathroom, and I believed it. At the time, my boyfriend had just moved in with my mom and I. I told my boyfriend exactly what my mom had explained to me. Immediately after he told me, my mom was definitely hurting herself, but she was hurting herself by using heroin.

I was hesitant, duh I’ve been lying to myself for years, but trusted him. He told me that he had recently found a bundle of my mom’s heroin, and showed me. We proceeded to search the house, and I found a stash of what seemed like a 100 million little empty wax bags. It was finally a realization; my mom was a heroin addict.

My complete and utter best friend left me for a world of drugs, and I was on my own. The next day I did not go to school…and I made the choice to stop going FOREVER (well not forever actually, but that is a whole other post)!