For those of you who do not know me- I absolutely love food! Growing up my mom would cook for me all of the time. I feel like throughout my whole childhood she was cooking for me, and also for my friends. She was always very talented, and generally didn't make anything that I didn't like (except this mustard chicken when I was ten...eww). She would always buy new cooking gadgets- we used her rotisserie for a month straight, and she would constantly say "Bailie it's great, all you have to do is set it and forget it", she loved this thing! Her specialty, or maybe just my favorites were Captain Crunch chicken, pancakes, and smoothies.
When she started using drugs she cooked less and less, and her food just wasn't really good. She would put things together for me to cook when she had work, we didn't eat together much, and I got a lot of takeout. I didn't really mind it, but I missed homemade food.
This one morning (when I was 15) my mom decided to make pancakes, and I was so excited! I was going to help her, and we were going to eat together. She started making batter, and then needed to take a "bathroom" break. She went into the bathroom for probably 30 minutes, and came back completely messed up. She continued to cook, and I tried not to get mad at her but it was insanely hard-once again I was disappointed.
Within minutes our kitchen looked like a war zone. There was batter EVERYWHERE, pots and pans turned upside down, the sink filled with gross water-it was awful. All I could think of was the "This is your brain on drugs" commercials that I saw growing up. I have no idea what I said to my mom while she was passing out mid burning pancakes, and destroying our kitchen, but it must have been awful. She started to cry and went into her room for hours- I remember one other time that she cooked for me after this, and I remember a 100 million times that I made her cry.
In my eyes my mom is still a great cook, but it is crazy to still have such a vivid memory imprinted in my mind. All I wanted was to be able to cook a nice meal with the person I love, but she couldn't wait 30 freaking minutes to use her drugs!? She had to have them mid hanging out with me, and that hurt very badly.
While my mom was using drugs food became my comfort; I would practically eat all of my sorrows away because I was really depressed, and this happens to be something I still really struggle with. Sometimes I eat a ton, and other times I don't eat enough at all. I will talk about my eating problems, and body image issues more as I get to know you all. Within the last 4-6 years I've learned what's healthy and not healthy, and I wound up, eventually, learning how to cook (Thank you Alma, Mrs. Egdahl, and my Mom)- and I happen to be really good at it!
Well, if anyone has a memory having to do with being extremely disappointed by an addict please feel free to share. Being disappointed by someone you love really sucks, but sadly I would assume we are all guilty of it! Take care, and I hope everyone has an amazing weekend!
Here is a link to the "This is your brain on drugs" commercial I was talking about; I didn't really think it is an affective commercial until just looking at it, but I can relate to it and others may not:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iE7ukc7MV-k
another amazing post bay! and yes drugs does take you aways from the people and things you love. drugs addicts are very selfish people when they are using. it take a very strong person to break that cycle! im so proud of you. anything i can do to help you let me know :) all my love- Katie :)
ReplyDeleteBailie i was actually going to share about this event. I remember the pancake day very well. I wasnt there when she was actually cooking but i arrived at your house shortly after. I remember going into the kitchen and being blown away by what went on in there. I opened one of the cabinets to find batter inside the cabinet splattered on everything. Also inside the cabinet was the pancake batter container and inside that was some fresh batter that your mom has tried to pour back in and then she put it away in the cabinet. That was all i needed to see to know how under the influence Lisa had been that day. At least there was only a small mess and no permanent damage was done, it could have been much worse. It was insane. I actually think about this often, almost every time i hear the word pancake. As traumatic as it was i am glad that we were all able to learn from it and everyone is on better grounds now! I am so proud of you Bailie and you Lisa for being clean now and moving on with you life! =)
ReplyDeleteSome comments are really intense on here, maybe we should leave the story posting to Bay!
ReplyDeleteI will allow any post unless I think it is really awful. I know Krystal, she's an intense person with lots of opinions (as am I). If I felt it was to offensive for either me or my mom I would erase it. It was a traumatic experience, and she remembered some details I forgot. I would however prefer personal experiences-and stories similar to the one I shared with all of you. Thanks all for sharing!
ReplyDeleteMy dad was an addict and part of his addictive, compulsive personality involved eating foods that were horrible for him and in crazy huge amounts. Watching those unhealthy eating behaviors as a child caused some screwed up eating patterns in my own life.
ReplyDeleteWhat an amazing post. And thanks for the shout out :-). I think it is so important that you are showing the specific and seemingly small ways in which an addict's behaviors affect the people around them. Excellent post and great writing-really!
ReplyDeleteAlma
Hi I'm Bailie's mom.The saddest part is I don't even remember that day.I gotn the most precious gift (Bailie)and I can't believe how much I allowed myself to miss out on.What was I thinking?I loved cooking for Bailie and eating meals together.I went through a depression for 7 months,medication wasn't working and a "friend" gave me oxycontin and said this will make you feel great.This eventually lead to herion.I still have a hard time believing I was a herion addict.I wish I could take it all back but i can't . Bailie certainly didn't deserve that and now after 5 years of being sober I finally believe I didn't deserve it either.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteI think after our food bonanza in class last week, you know my answer. late night omelets...etc. Both as a child and an adult. Food is safe, food is substance food is memory. This one captures exactly what class was about. Love you my dear friend, in the purest most agape sense of the word.
ReplyDeleteBay, once again you have portrayed your experience beautifully! I would like to tell both you and your mom tgat I remember her cooking very well. :-) always delicious, especially the captain crunch chicken. I must admit that I tried making it only a few weeks ago, keeping both you and your mom in mind. I was however not as successful as your mom had always been! It was good but not "the real thing" haha I think that's a recipe I will leave for her to make :-) love you both and I couldn't be more proud!
ReplyDeleteI remember all the months and months of not hearing back from my sister, no calls returned and wondering what was going on with her. We tried to connect with her and her family whom we had not seen for over a year and thought it was so strange that when we had been so close in the past, she now just made no room for us in her life.
ReplyDeleteJust when we would write her off, she would call, out of the blue, crying about how depressed she was and all the beefs we had had with her would be pushed aside to listen to her sob stories. We would forgive her for being so out of touch, for not making the time for important family events and get togethers and make a plan to get together but it would never come to fruition. The whole cycle would repeat itself. One of use would suspect drug use but the other would say no, it couldn't be.
The frustration and anger beat us down but there was always the motivation to stay connected because of her family. There were kids involved, cousins, and we needed to continue making the effort for their sake. Where were they? What was going on? We had no idea how bad it actually was.
Got this in my box---you really are opening eyes...
ReplyDeleteAmy this strikes a chord and sometimes make me cry when I think of it. I became alcoholic (I think Vik probably told you) and I went into Rehab. It totally worked for me and I haven't had a drink or a drug for 22 years. When I was in an Extended Care house where together (moving onward from Primary Care) we cooked shopped etc. Vik came down to visit me. She was about 18 I think and she came to the house for dinner.
She said "The apple pie is wonderful, who made it" my friend and fellow inmate Ken said "Your mother made it". It is a really poignant point within me and a reminder. I was capable of so much (a really good cook) and for a while I lost I myself and so of course tragically Viktoria lost me and my emotional availability. I have used the experience to the advantage of myself and others. I trained successfully and gained an Advanced Diploma in Psychotherapy and have since then specialised in Chemical Addiction Recovey counselling.
Thank you for the Story. We can have happy endings ... but are more rare than we would wish. Thinking of you often and read with interest what you say and do. You have been extremely brave and I admire that.
Love Elizabeth XXXX
Bailie-
ReplyDeleteReading this post brought back so many emotions that I thought I'd locked up tight! My ex-boyfriend used to take bathroom breaks all of the time, and it took me months to figure out that he was doing much more than peeing. Finally it occurred to me that 'I need to go to the bathroom' meant 'I need to use.' Hearing those words brought such immense pain and sorrow.
"She couldn't wait 30 freaking minutes to use her drugs!? She had to have them mid hanging out with me, and that hurt very badly." I know exactly what you mean. It always hurt to feel like someone I loved so much didn't love to be with me if he wasn't high. Thanks so much for sharing these stories. I know they're hard to share, but they help more than you know!
bailie, i really appreciate all the things you are doing. although ive never had to deal with someone i really loved (other then friends) getting into such a thing as heroin, all the stories brought to mind that its not just the hardcore drugs like heroin. any drug can cause pain and disapointment. I remember my first love. during the time i dated him i had strong morals against anything and everything except drinking. im talking smoking pot, cigarettes, anything. our friends smoked and what not but my boyfriend and i were above it. when we started going through some rough times, it was weed that ultimately ruined our relationship. He started smoking with his friends and hiding it from me. i would smell it on him and it felt like i drank a vat of acid. i could literally feel the pain from my throught all the way to my stomach and everywhere. i wanted to say so many things to him and often i did but again, many times i couldnt even comunicate to him the things i wanted to say bc i felt soooo sick.I just wanted so badly to fix things with him. i would invite him over after school and hed agree and i would get sooo excited. id run home and clean the whole house. think everything through down to what i wanted to be doing when he walked him, and then i would sit there for hours waiting for him to show up. IF he showed up, he was almost always late and always high. smoking weed was more important to him then i was. wed hang out for an hour and when hed leave id cry. id stay up for hours at night waiting for him to call and balling my eyes out. now when i think about it though, im not so sure if i hated him for smoking or if i hated him for doing something without me. and this is how a simple things like pot threw my life off course. i was a smart, athletic girl and i had everything in front of me. yet, he was having fun so i had to have more fun. i began drinking heavily...like HEAVILY!!! just to make him jelous. i began smoking cigarettes (even though so many people i love i have lost to cancer) to throw it in his face that i wasnt as much of a "good girl" as he thought. i dabbled in a few other things, some that i havent been able to kick yet, and all that i never thought i would ever do. i lost all my morals and beliefs thats i was sooo proud of. although my life is not completly out of control...i honestly feel like i would have accomplished way more, and would have been way more proud of myself if that had never happened. i wish drugs never exsisted.
ReplyDelete"Got this in my box---you really are opening eyes...
ReplyDeleteAmy this strikes a chord and sometimes make me cry when I think of it. I became alcoholic (I think Vik probably told you) and I went into Rehab. It totally worked for me and I haven't had a drink or a drug for 22 years. When I was in an Extended Care house where together (moving onward from Primary Care) we cooked shopped etc. Vik came down to visit me. She was about 18 I think and she came to the house for dinner.
She said "The apple pie is wonderful, who made it" my friend and fellow inmate Ken said "Your mother made it". It is a really poignant point within me and a reminder. I was capable of so much (a really good cook) and for a while I lost I myself and so of course tragically Viktoria lost me and my emotional availability. I have used the experience to the advantage of myself and others. I trained successfully and gained an Advanced Diploma in Psychotherapy and have since then specialised in Chemical Addiction Recovey counselling.
Thank you for the Story. We can have happy endings ... but are more rare than we would wish. Thinking of you often and read with interest what you say and do. You have been extremely brave and I admire that.
Love ..... XXXX"