Intimate Relationships, and Addiction

"Bailie,
What you're doing is helping more people- and in bigger ways- than you can even imagine. I've passed the URL on to some important people in my life. I hope they can start to share, too! Everyone has a story, and your blog is so unique in that it gives a forum for people to share, to care, and to be cared about, with the comfort of anonymity. Thank you taking the bold steps to provide us with such a strong support network!

My last relationship lasted two years and was with the sweetest boy I had ever met; unfortunately, beyond being sweet he was also an addict- something I didn't know when we started dating. His drugs of choice were OxyContin and Xanax. I have lots of stories that I can share about this chapter in my life. After reading Anonymous' courageous post about the effect of another parent's drug use on their child, though, all I can think about is how drug use affects family, and one particular story I have about that, from a slightly different point of view.

Last year, I took a semester off of college and moved back home to work and be near my boyfriend. We loved each other very much and would often talk about settling down together after college and starting a family. Our relationship was lovely, aside from his addiction. In fact, his addiction sometimes didn't even seem like a problem because he was so well off financially with a steady supply of drugs that he always had pills and therefore rarely experienced withdrawals. I guess the addiction related depression was the worst- he was depressed with the drugs but would be depressed AND sick without him, so he was literally high 100% of the time. During the semester that I was home, I got pregnant. Since we'd talked about having a family together before, the idea of having the baby and giving it up for adoption- or maybe keeping it- was a real possibility for us. One day, we sat down to make a plan. I asked him, very clearly, if he could be clean for the entire time I would be pregnant. His reply? "I don't know if I can do that." In retrospect, I'm so glad that he was able to be honest with me- and himself! I had to put my self in the shoes of a mother of a child whose father was an addict. I knew that I couldn't do that to a beautiful, innocent baby, so I made an appointment at Planned Parenthood and asked him to come with me, under the condition that he had to be sober on the day. He told me that he didn't know if he could do that, either. He was crying and crying and saying he felt like a horrible person. I remember this so vividly- the memory is burnt forever into my mind. I knew he wanted nothing more than to support me, but couldn't because of his awful addiction. He had been relying on drugs to get him through any tough situation for so many years, that he literally couldn't handle tension without drugs. He was so unable to deal with reality that he booked a plane ticket and got high on a beach in the Caribbean for a whole week, while I endured the most painful, most emotionally devastating event of my life to date.

I'll never forget being in Planned Parenthood alone, pregnant with the baby of an addict who loved a drug more than me, and more than unborn his child. Every day I wonder about my decision. What if one of us becomes infertile? What if one of us was born infertile and that was a fluke- our one chance at having a baby? Anonymous, your post gave me some perspective on my decision. I know that your shoes are the hardest to walk in, and I doubt that I could be as strong as you are in them. I feel confident now that I made the right decision. Thank you so much for sharing!!!"


Anonymous- Thank you very much for passing my blog on to people you think will benefit form it, it makes me extremely happy to hear that I'm helping people. It also makes me very happy to know that there are people trusting me, and opening up to me, with such intense/private stories. Thank you for sharing this story with all of us, and I'm so sorry you had to go through such a traumatic experience without the one person you loved. 


Abortion is an extremely tricky topic, some people are for it and obviously others are not. The way I like to think of it is "to each their own". I say I wouldn't get an abortion, but I really haven't been in that position so I don't know. I also think of it as nothing bad ever comes from a child, but bad things happen when people have children and are not prepared. 


It was extremely mature of you to realize that having a baby was not the right thing for you at that time, and it was very bold of you to put your unborn child before yourself. It would not have been a good idea to have a baby with an addict. If he couldn't be sober to at least go to the Dr's appointment with you-he would not be able to get sober for that baby. 


Again, thank you very much for sharing your story, and I really hope that during this time you had someone to talk to!