So, I’m heading to Connecticut for the holidays and I’m extremely excited, but for some reason also nervous. I’ve got tons of memories from when I lived in CT. both good and bad, but for some reason the holidays tend to make me think of bad memories. I’ll be staying at my best-friends house and then making my way to NJ. to see family! One specific memory I think of around this time is the time I told my mom I hated her. I didn’t do it over the holidays, but for some reason that memory has been popping up a lot lately!
Growing up my mom gave me everything I could EVER want. We had a pool, a hot tub, all the Beanie Babies you could imagine, Sega Genesis (old school) hooked up to every TV, and my friends always liked coming to my house because I had the cool young mom- with the best clothes to borrow.
When my mom started doing drugs things changed drastically; at the beginning of it all she wanted to keep things the same. She wanted to be able to buy me all of the clothes I could possibly want, and I’m sure she wanted me to go out and do things with my friends, so she would always give me money and try to do things. It got to the point where it was clothes, and then no electricity, or more clothes and then no cable or food in the fridge. One year my mom bought me a thousand dollars worth of gift certificates, plus other things, for Christmas (how Jewish of me) and I was thrilled, obviously because I was spoiled for so long, but that money could have gone to good use.
My Freshman year of High School all of my friends and their parents were going to Cancun; I wanted to go so badly, so my mom made it happen! I was thrilled to be able to go and hang out with my friends, but at this point in my life I still had no idea about my moms drug use. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t go shopping for new clothes before leaving for Cancun, I felt like I had no summer clothes to bring with me, and on-top of that my relationship with my mom was slowly falling apart. She got me this great vacation which meant she was going to get the heck out of her room, and we were going to have a good time, but she wasn’t going to buy me a whole new wardrobe- and I did not like that.
I was definitely more pissed at my mom’s absence in my life (not the fact I couldn’t go shopping), but I didn’t know how to express that feeling-any who the night before we were leaving I remember trying to pack and just getting so so angry! We got into a huge blow out fight, and I went to bed sad and angry; the next morning my mom woke me up to catch our flight and I told her I hated her and didn’t even want to go. The look on her face and the way I made her cry is something I probably will never be able to get over.
I wound up having a really good vacation with my girlfriends, but hardly remember hanging out with my mom. She spent most of the time sleeping in our hotel (just like she did at home); I found out years later my mom went a week without using Heroin.
Like I said I really appreciate everything my mom has done for me-and I still really enjoy when she gets me presents, but sometimes I just feel so selfish (I’m no longer spoiled)! I also really feel like I NEVER want to hurt my moms feelings; this year she got me a beautiful necklace for Christmas (geez I mean Hanukah) and I had a really really hard time telling her that I didn’t love it, and wanted to exchange it for something I can wear everyday. She seemed fine with that and wants me to have something I love! I’m always worried about hurting my mom’s feelings but I need to remember she’s an insanely strong woman. I have a really hard time getting over the fact that my mom has been treated badly by so many people, and I always feel as though I’m tip toeing around things in order to not hurt her feelings more.
For the Holidays I want to apologize to my mom for saying such hurtful things to her-she put me through hell, but she has to live with that every single day. The last thing she needs to think is that she wasn’t a great mom or that she has a daughter who hates her.
Looking back at it I really admire how hard my mom did try. I’m really thankful for all that I had, but really what I needed during this time was a mom (or even a dad), not brand new materialistic items.
I can not wait to see my mom and the rest of my family (that includes friends, their parents, and siblings in CT) while I’m home! I hope everyone has an amazing Holiday, and I hope you get to spend it with great people like I get to, because that is much much more important than presents.
If you have a story similar to mine please share it! If you don’t feel free to share anything that’s on your mind (pertaining to addiction of course). I look forward to hearing from you all soon.
Love,
Bailie
Interesting post, Bailie. It got me thinking about the need for immediate gratification and how we often try to fill so many voids in our life with things that never bring us lasting happiness. Whether it is buying your daughter toys and clothes to get that quick "you are the BEST mother" response, or using drugs to take the pain away for a while, it seems to be an underlying theme. I am seeing you mature and grow into a young woman who is giving positive meaning to otherwise negative memories and experiences. As your aunt I am amazed, relieved, and proud. I love you!
ReplyDeleteWhat a meaningful post. I am so glad to read that you understand how that $1,000.00 for clothing as a young teen was not healthy, especially when there was no food in the fridge. I hoped that one day you would and here it is in this post.
ReplyDeleteWhen you lived with us because your mom was using, your uncle and I were often conflicted about making certain purchases for you; we wanted to nurture you by providing special items that we knew you wanted, because we knew they would make you happy when you needed to be taken care of, but we also had strong feelings about the value of money and wanted to instill those values in you.
We often felt as though we had to make the point that money did not grow on trees because we knew that you had experienced a sometimes extravagant lifestyle in place of more wholesome, healthy ways of living at home with an addicted mother.
These were tough issues for us and I imagine for you, or anyone, living in a new environment and dependent on others with whom you did not always feel comfortable asking for things you wanted/needed.
In a way I can relate to this post, and I feel I can relate to many of them although sometimes in a completely different way!
ReplyDeleteI grew up in a family of 5; Mom Dad Older Brother and Younger brother. Looking back on my life, my family was perfectly imperfect.
Growing up I always had my mom around. She was a stay at home Mom until I was in about 4th grade. She was around for all of my activities (girl scouts, cheerleading, softball, basketball...) including those for my brothers as well. We always had a nice clean house, our beds were always made, food on the table , and we always had clothes.
Despite the necessities, a lot of my friends growing up lived extravagent lifestyles, and often I felt left out.I never understood why I couldn't go the mall and get a brand new wardrobe when school started, and a new backpack every year. I often found myself angry because it took so much from my parents to get the things all my friends had. Sometimes even going to the movies was too much to ask! My friends took really awesome vacations every year. Always somewhere exotic and warm. We took a couple family vacations, but I never got to go with my friends.... and I didn't understand why. Now mind you, we weren't poor by any means. But depsite our money situation I now find my family to have been rich in love.
I didn't realize that the things I had growing up were the most important until my parents became alcoholics when us kids got into highschool. During the years that were supposed to bring me into a new chapter of my life, things at home slowly started to tear apart....