"I remember all the months and months of not hearing back from my sister, no calls returned and wondering what was going on with her. We tried to connect with her and her family whom we had not seen for over a year and thought it was so strange that when we had been so close in the past, she now just made no room for us in her life.
Just when we would write her off, she would call, out of the blue, crying about how depressed she was and all the beefs we had had with her would be pushed aside to listen to her sob stories. We would forgive her for being so out of touch, for not making the time for important family events and get togethers and make a plan to get together but it would never come to fruition. The whole cycle would repeat itself. One of use would suspect drug use but the other would say no, it couldn't be.
The frustration and anger beat us down but there was always the motivation to stay connected because of her family. There were kids involved, cousins, and we needed to continue making the effort for their sake. Where were they? What was going on? We had no idea how bad it actually was."
This is the EXACT sort of post that I am looking for. Thank you anonymous for sharing this with all of us, this story shows how an addicts behaviors effect everyone in their lives- you don't need to live with an addict to have to suffer from their actions. This must have been an extremely hard time for you! I'm sure you were in denial and didn't want to even think that your sister was using (drugs or alcohol), or maybe she was the type of person you thought never would use, and at the same time it sounds like you had your own things going on.
I think it's very important to have a strong family, and that is really really hard if you are constantly being betrayed! There are so many different emotions that go along with addiction- so it's ok that you were angry with her when she wouldn't call, or when you wanted to write her off. Feelings like that are very natural, and at the same time it is very hard to help a person who doesn't want the help.
I hope the best for your family, and I really think talking about it will help you, and maybe even bring your family closer. Thank you again for sharing with all of us.
On another note, I presented my blog to my Cultural Anthropology class yesterday and had amazing results (I brought one person to tears, which intern brought me to tears). I've also been receiving a lot of Facebook messages- I would like everyone to know I really appreciate everything you are doing for me. The blog has had a lot of success, and it has only been one month- I'm extremely excited for its future!
Friend requesting me on Facebook, and sending me messages is 100% alright with me, but what I really need for the blog to continue on such an amazing path is for you all to share your stories, under the "Comments" section on my post. After I will post 5-10 Stories so that other people can comment on those, and then I will share another personal experience (just like "Pancakes" and "The Day I Finally Stopped Lying to Myself").
Feel free to write me personally with questions, or comments, or stories-but if you send me a message be prepared for me to ask you to put it on the blog :)
Anonymous, I would also like to let you know that while my mom was using I was very very angry-scary angry! I had very bad anger management issues that luckily are under control these days. It was really hard for me to have to pretend like everything was fine when I left my house; I would attempt to put on a smile, but people would always ask me "What's wrong? You look mad...". My whole life it was just me and my mom so when she started using I found it hard to even try to talk to anyone without getting angry (especially kids in school and family members).
ReplyDeleteBailie, you are reminding me that during the time I wrote about, we did indeed have terrible traumas going on that my sister did not even help us with-it was all about her. You're right; it's hard to mask anger after so much.
ReplyDeleteBailie,
ReplyDeleteI wanted to thank you for this very candid blog. I am the stepmother of a wonderful little girl that I love to death! My husband and I have full custody of her now, but when she was young we shared custody with her mother. Her mother was and still is an addict to a number of drugs. We knew what was going on by the stories our three year old would come home with after her stay with Mom. She would come home usually in the same clothes we sent her in three days before, cold, and sniffling. We filed for custody, but it was a very long battle. For three years we had no choice but to send her as we were required to by law. I could not believe that the legal system was allowing this to happen to this precious child. We thought we had won when late one night her mother was pulled over. My stapdaughter was in the car where the police officer found a collection of used needles thrown about, but they fought for her parental rights...so we had to keep sending her to a place we knew she was not safe. This happened for three years. For three years I held her in the night when she had a nightmares of being locked in the closet while Mom had "friends" over or seeing a man hold a gun to her Mom's head. I would just hold her and cry with her. Finally we did get custody...at four years old she was found alone in a hotel room with drugs all over the place. i am glad that we can give her a good home, but I worry so much about her. She still has nightmares from time to time which she no longer realizes are memories not just dreams. It is difficult for her to understand her life situation. She of course loves her Mom and cannot always understand why she cannot see her. She is 10 now and realizes more about what happened but desperately wants to believe that her Mom is better now. if this were the case i would galdly let her see her, but it is not. She has spend the last 10 years in and out of rehab and jail...she is not better. What pains me too is that my daughter has 6 brothers and sister that she has never met who have been adopted by other families. i don't know how I even begin to help her work through such a mess. She is only 10 and has seen more pain than some people ever do. I wanted to thank you for giving me a look at a daughter's perspective.
Anonymous ~ My boys father was an addict while they were young and I thank God that they were never in a situation like your step-daughter. I had to fight to keep the boys away from their father which broke all of our hearts. I knew deep down that he loved them dearly and would never do anything to harm them but as he was using I would not allow him to see them. He would show up on our doorstep screaming and pleading to see his kids. I had to call the cops a couple of times and have a restraining order put in place. It has been years since he has used and finally he is building a father - son relationshipd with them. He is helping with theiur sports teams, homework, and everyday occurences. I can only imagine the pain in you hearts as you had to sit and watch the effect your step daughters mother's actions were having on that helpless little one. I will thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for her. She may not realize what you have done for her.
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